Monday, March 17, 2008

Weekend Meltdown

I had a melt down. No, the temperature in Texas did not get so hot I sweat to death, but an emotional melt down this past week.

As the week went on I became more and more upset with me. It started out by feeling "I was ugly, my curly hair was not doing what I wanted, most of my clothes are all getting old and stained because I am a dropper and splatterer." What I do not get on them my granddaughter does. "I am fat. Why buy new clothes when they only look bad on me anyway? Besides, I don't have the money. I am getting old. My next birthday will put me among the dead, I am sure. Before my 1st husband died I was doing all kinds of creative things, was active in the church, had been game director for church camps, kids programs, led VBS, organized the town craft fair. I made crafts of all kinds. Then my husband got sick, I was caregiver and many things were put on slow. He died and I died with him inside. My life went upside down. I was 5 years in limbo (with more going on then I want to mention as it would take a book). Now I am in Texas, married to a wonderful man and feel like all that I have gifts for, creativity for has been put on a shelf, or in the casket with my 1 st husband. Besides all that I am brain dead on my blog and I am fat and ugly and getting old." On and on my mind went.

Ever get like that?

I cried a number of times, and I do not cry so much any more. I whined to my husband. I looked in the mirror and looked fatter, uglier and older every time. My clothes are getting bad, but why get more when I am looking so bad? I was a mess.

Sunday morning I woke up and grumbled at my wonderful husband. He was thinking maybe he did something or did not do something that made me feel that way about myself. He did not. It was all me.

It was then that my mind got to thinking about something else. I thought back to the week after my first husband died and my sister took me out on a whale boat. I lived in ME, always wanted to go out on one, but never did. Now I was going. I was still numb from the death and funeral, but I was excited too.

I have always felt peace when I would get near the ocean and this was a stress relief for me. We were out in the ocean, whales surfacing and saw some other fish as well. I found myself praying. I was thanking God for the trip and telling Him that it does not get any better than this. Since I was a pastor's wife and we lived in the parsonage as part of my husband's salary I knew I would have to move somewhere else. I asked the Lord to please move me near the ocean. I told him how I needed the ocean for relief and how for me it could not get any better than what I was seeing. I reminded Him I could not afford living there as prices were high, but I had faith enough that HE could make it possible anyway. My prayer ran deep and from my heart. Then HE answered with something that about knocked me overboard:
"Are you willing to give all this up for My best?"
My answer was just as quick and to the point:

I did not mean it rebelliously, I was just so hurting from losing my husband and in shock yet, but I meant "no" . How could God ask me such a thing? I just had 4 years of taking care of a husband who was a wonderful man for 29+ years of marriage. All through being sick and knowing he was dying he did not complain much. Now God is telling me that I am going to have to move from my kids also? How could He?

Time went by, I moved from Maine, back to Maine, away from Maine again. I knew God was preparing me for something, I did not know what.

Now, here I was this weekend feeling down and feeling like all my abilities, gifts etc are on a shelf in ME and I am here. God blessed me with a second really wonderful, loving husband and he is worth being here for, but still, I wondered why I had no outlet for anything yet.

When God reminded me of the whaleboat He said that this is His best. He has a plan, and I am being changed to fit that plan. All is not lost, set on a shelf. I am not brain dead, I am trying to do things myself and getting impatient instead of waiting on Him.

OK, so I still need to lose weight, I still need to get new clothes and do something with my hair and I am STILL GETTING OLDER, but the real me, the me God plans on using is being changed into what He wants me to be. I need to rest in Him, relax and know He is going to do it in His time.


Melanie said...

Wow- you really can't imagine how much I needed that post today!