Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Marriage: Please comment

This is backwards Works for Me Wednesday at Rocks in My Dryer, I guess we could call it works for you?

I am needing some suggestions for my other blog Meet Me In The Garden. Some of you have read the post From My Heart and as a result of what is on my heart I started another blog.

In order to give me ideas to work with, I would like to know :

  • How did you and your husband meet and how long did you date?
  • What do you do to keep the spark in your marriage?
  • What works for you when you disagree on things?
I know this is not a usual Works for me, but I am needing the thoughts of others and hope the wonderful people who read this will give me an idea of what works for them. Thanks!

For some normal works for me questions see Rocks in My Dryer!


Laura said...

How did you and your husband meet and how long did you date?

DH and I met on a Catholic dating website - Catholicmatch.com We loved the fact the profiles really told you *who* that person was, especially in terms of their faith. Once we met in person a month later (he drove from KS to VA to meet me), we knew immediately we were made by God for each other. A true love at first sight and meeting of soul-mates.
We dated for 9-10 mo before getting engaged. We were married 6mo later :)

What do you do to keep the spark in your marriage?

We've only been married two years, but it's amazing how the mundane things really suck you in and you can go whole days just talking about the bills, who's going to change that stinky diaper, and how tired you are. We have a 14mo old and are expecting #2 in Dec. We have gone through DH's military training and graduation, finding a job, moving across country and are currently looking at doing that all again in the next couple months around the time #2 is due. Lot's of irons in the fire, but what's life without a little stress, right? ;)
We maintain our spark by:
~Having a good sense of humor
~Praying together
~Lots of communication
~Meals together as often as possible
~Alone time together/date night
~And being ok with self-sacrifice for the other and your family without expecting anything in return.

What works for you when you disagree on things?

If needed, take time to cool down/understand and be able to voice why you feel a certain way. Then have a respectful, open discussion. Sometimes it may even require you to take a break from talking about it until the next day when you both can come up with a compromise.

Hope that helps! God Bless! ~Laura

Clemntine said...

We met through mutual friends, dated 2.5 years and have been married for over 17 years.

We keep the spark in our marriage by knowing and meeting each other's primary emotional needs. Mine are security and domestic support (earning a living wage, taking the lead in difficult parenting issues, and so on). His are physical intimacy and admiration. We've become experts at meeting each other's top needs and we're WAY sparky! :-D

We make decisions using a technique called The Policy of Joint Agreement we learned from the writings of Willard Harley, Jr., PhD. (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/). Essentially, we don't do ANYTHING without the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses. We have learned to negotiate, give and take, be honest about feelings, expectations, etc, and literally avoid arguing for 15 years and counting.

Melissa D said...

My husband and I were introduced to each other by well-meaning, nosy busybodies. :) We fell in love despite their meddling.

Adam and I keep the spark by communicating honestly and finding time every day for a little intimacy. Plus, I tell him everything he does that I appreciate...men love affirmation!

When it comes to disagreements, we give each other cooling off time and then we each speak honestly about our needs. We've quickly discovered that we both want our marriage to be healthy and forever, so neither of us is afraid to give in if we know the other is right. Sometimes we compromise. But honestly, I'd rather be happily married than right all the time.

Marie said...

How did you and your husband meet and how long did you date?

My husband is my best friend's older brother. We dated two years before we got married.

What do you do to keep the spark in your marriage? For me, the most important thing is remembering not to take him for granted: remind myself of how good looking he is, how patient, generous, funny, and forgiving. When I remind myself, I find myself wanting to do things I haven't done in forver, like sit on his lap or buy him a cigar or clean the windshield for him. Works for me!

What works for you when you disagree on things? I tend to be very stubborn, but I have found the most effective way to end an argument is to actually listen to what he is saying and take it to heart. Often that means admitting I was wrong. It's very hard to do the first time, but when you see the profound effect that has, you'll wnat to keep doing it!

Jenn said...

My husband and I met on a airplane out of the country on a mission trip. We dated for 3 months, got engaged and married one year later. We have been married 7 years now and three children. My father once told us to make sure to date, even when we were married. It was the best advice. It is really hard to keep the romance alive when you have three little ones demanding so much attention. My husband also works late during certaion seasons...we can go days without a conversation because of his schedule sometimes. Sometimes, we go to the rental store and pick up a movie and after the kids are bed, we have a 'date night' at home. We also know that we can't afford a nice big date every month. Instead, we save up and go out to a super nice place once a year on our anniversary. Because it is something special, we look forward to it and we really look back on it with fond memories. When we diagree, we just take a break and then come back to talk about it. In the end, we both know that each of has strengths. He is the better decision maker about cars, finances, etc. I am better about schedules, kid's schools, groceries, etc. We rely on each other in those moments to make the best choice, even if the other doesn't always agree.

Amy D said...

We met in college my freshman year. He was a junior. We were both in band and involved with Baptist Student Union. We dated for 1 year before we got engaged and then were engaged for 9 months (no babies involved, lol) before we got married.

Keeping the spark is difficult with current circumstances. We try to spend alone time together several times a week after the kids are in bed. It's often not anything romantic or planned - we just talk about stuff.
We also try to use each other's "Love Languages" to show that we love each other and make sure the other feels loved.

Talk, talk, talk! We have always tried to avoid playing 'mind games' and manipulating each other's emotions. Just say how you feel. Don't sling accusations. Of course, we don't always succeed at that, but it is a good starting point. We have also learned that even after a big long talk things aren't always 'solved'. Sometimes we just have to walk away, happy that we were heard. And that we still like each other. :) KIDDING!! :)

amyswandering said...

I recently did some posts on marriage:


Nomadic said...

How did you and your husband meet and how long did you date?

I met DH at a friend's house. The funny thing is that we'd met several times over the years, but just hadn't made the "spark" connection yet. We dated for a little over 4 years and were VERY off and on.

What do you do to keep the spark in your marriage?

We try to talk to one another for at least a few minutes daily...and we make special effort to keep those conversations away from kids, money or house topics. We discuss anything else that comes up, but we avoid hot-buttons deliberately during that evening conversation time. NEVER bring problem issues into the bedroom.

What works for you when you disagree on things?

We've been married under two years and we're over 40, so both of us have been married before. We are teaching ourselves to communicate better this time around than we did in our previous relationships. For us, anything that might provoke an argument is handled with kid gloves. We'll sit down to discuss it and agree up front that we are not going to argue.

Whichever one of us feels very strongly about the issue usually gets their way. It ends up being a 50/50 split, but if we both work hard at seeing the other person's viewpoint.

The best marriage advice I've ever heard came from a movie "Only one of us gets to be crazy at a time".

Daniel & Teresa said...

How we met and how long we dated:
My husband and I met in 7th grade, carpooling to our fast-paced math class, along with two others. At first my friends and I made fun of him and his friends, until 2 years later when I discovered I like him. He asked me to the 8th grade formal, we began "dating" (though we were scared of eachother!) at the end of that summer, and dated throughout high school. We went to separate colleges so we could discover who we were in Christ as individuals. Three and a half years later, we got married (he graduated a half-year early). So, total of 7 and a half years of dating. Now we've been married for almost 3 years.
Keeping the spark alive:
We have a date night every Mon night that we look forward to. We just recently started taking turns in planning it. Besides dinner (which is usually at home), we sometimes play games, read together, gives massages, curl up to a movie, etc. Other fun times have been "having a campfire on our porch (in a mini Webber Grill, going for walks, or reminiscing (we have a lot of memories!) We now have a 3 month old, so it gets harder to do, but sometimes a friend watches him. We also celebrate our "month-aversary" by doing something small every 29th (like a note, a special treat, etc.)
When we disagree: Talking things out is very important to us, so is praying together. Every night we share confessions and pray, so if anything was left un-resolved by then, it is sure to be resolved before we go to bed.

Charity said...

My husband and I met at work. We started on the same day and were seated next to each other. We never officially dated until I stopped working there (a year later). We were married 2.5 years after that.

We keep the spark in our marriage by setting aside a few nights a week where we do not watch TV or use the computers, we just sit and talk, laugh, and get to know each other. Even after 5 years of marriage and 3.5 years of friendship/dating before that, there are still so many things we do not know about each other.

He also calls me from his cell phone at lunch to see how I am doing and say hi.

We do not really disagree very often. When we do, we try to hear each other out. Usually one of us will realize that the other is right. In extreme cases when we cannot agree, I do things his way. I want to encourage him to be a leader in our home and that requires me to let him lead.

texastanya said...

Hubby and I met via internet at christiancafe.com We chatted online for a couple of months and then had our first date in July '01. We were engaged 16 months later, and married 4 months after we became engaged.

To keep the spark in our marriage, we've recently started 'dating' again. The kids are off at AWANA for 2 hours every Sunday afternoon, and now Hubs and I can spend some quality time talking and reconnecting. It's been lots of fun!

When we disagree, the thing that works best is time. We both need time to cool off/reflect/think things through/pray/have God direct our thoughts, etc.

candy said...

how we meet. we were friends from work ( in the navy) for about 4 years then he got into a lot of trouble and was rock bottom and when we really started talking we fell in love. we really only dated for 4 months.
to keep the "spark"
every year around our anv. we write out our list of 10 things that say i love you, his is like fix my coffee let him sleep in on one day. little things that really mean alot to him. and me. and by those 10 things it keeps things very nice between us and every night we spend atleast 30 mins just us no tv or anything else. sometimes a game but usually just talking
as for disagreements. well in the last 5 years of marriage we have only had 3 fights and well i was right and he knew it so he finally just came around. so i cant help you there. we are very lucky and im pretty sure it has a lot to do with our mutal belif in God.

Candace said...

My husband and I met 10 1/2 years ago on the internet. Specifically in a chat room. It was just a very random thing- we weren't looking for hook ups or anything. We dated for almost 3 years before getting married. When we disagree we normally just give each other some cooling off time. I know that the argument will get worse if I try to press things when we're both upset. I've found that just waiting as little as an hour or so works much better.